What does it mean to be resilient? New research explores the different strengths that help people survive and flourish after a traumatic experience.
original post : Steve Miller, facebook, 2017
You do not need to have the answers but you can help someone look for them.
Hear to Listen – Here to Help
Makes sense Right?
Or should that be Left?
Worry, confusion and delaying. The big price of anxiety.
We often feel worry, fear, nightmares and overpowered with anxiety, but I think the more unnoticed problem of holding-back is the bigger issue. Here’s why:
With difficulties such as fears, social anxiety, stress, IBS, insomnia and phobias, we are more likely to be aware there is a problem and do something about it. But holding back has an in- built flaw.
You probably have guessed it, that’s right, when we avoid things they don’t get done so remain undone.
There are two things going on. Firstly you instinctively what to stay away from what make you feel bad and thus our mind starts to focus on the problem and not the solution
Thus we see and feel failure before success and feel more and more trapped searching for distractions which inevitably keep us on the merry-go-round of negativity.
We still have hopes and dreams about our ambitions , or education , our relationships and so on but they are just in the distance, the mercurial peach – just out of reach.
It is when we see this difference between where we feel we are, and where we imagine we’d like to be, that we experience even more bad feeling. Yet we continue to hold back from moving towards success in what we wish for and just feed the fire of bad feeling.
Procrastination, putting-it-on-the-long-finger, the classic Spanish for tomorrow, “manana”. Call it what you like, is a huge problem. It really means that the thing that can help is deliberately avoided, thus continuing the problem.
Here are examples that might ring true to you:
The great, unique business idea that will help people and also make lots of money yet there it is still on the shelf, in the pipeline years later still on paper but not a reality.
Getting over a failed relationship, losing your job or a bereavement – not being able to accept that things have changed, waiting for the right moment , when “I’m stronger”, “when “I’m able to deal with it”. However all that is happening is avoidance , sometimes referred to as “Freeze and endure”. Like a rabbit in the headlights frozen hoping the traffic will miss you.
Similarly we sometimes actually prime ourselves to the point of change, but just don’t push the button like someone who wants to get fit but never gets around to it. You probably know someone who bought all the cycling gear: The lycra shorts, the pump and repair kit, the helmet, but who doesn’t actually have a bike.
We often trick ourselves with this: “I’ll get all the gear first, then I’ll start”. We can do this with anything in life. Finding one more reason not to start just yet, is easier when we’re spending money, getting things, feeling involved. That’s still a long way from taking real action. We can hold back expertly when we have activity around the issue that achieves nothing useful.
Feeling a bit uncomfortable reading this? Well done for still being here. A lot of people have clicked away already.
Noticing what it is that we want to accomplish and being aware of the distraction that’s getting between us and our dream, is huge.
Focus on the feeling. That’s what’s driving this. What is that feeling? A nervous tension, pressure on the bladder, knot in the stomach, tight or weight on the chest, lump in the throat? These are the feelings to address and resolve to succeed. A better plan, idea, getting more organised etc., are illusions to keep us busy and don’t address the real issue – the feeling that holds us back!
Tackle these and start to build real success. I can’t count the number of people I’ve seen who’s lives just took off once they began to break past the holding-back!
I’m always happy to chat with people about how to break through the holding-back, so feel free to comment, mail, or call.
Hear to listen – Here to help.
You know I was making a salad the other night so I laid all my ingredients out on the worktop – crisp iceberg lettuce, luscious red tomatoes, sweet yellow, orange and red peppers, long spring onions, purple red onions and a large Spanish onion; a hard boiled egg, a block of mature Irish cheddar cheese, a stick of celery, a pink lady apple and a handful of walnuts.
I carefully washed all the fruit and vegetables under the running tap the ice cold water making my fingers go numb. I then roughly tore up the lettuce, cracking and ripping every leaf. I cut up the tomatoes into quarters and finely chopped the peppers and onions. My eyes wept as I did so. I quickly chopped the celery, peeled and cored the apple then sliced it as was the hard boiled egg, Finally the cheese was cubed and the walnuts crushed.
I got my large salad bowl from the cupboard above my head and throw all the prepared ingredients into the bowl. A pinch of salt and black pepper and a sprinkle of balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil were poured over the salad and then all the ingredients were gently tossed and mixed around the bowl. How tempting it looked all those fresh vibrant colours, reds, yellows, orange, green, white and brown. All those fragrances and aromas, woody and sweet, young and old wafting into the air.
Then I looked closely at the salad and thought isn’t it funny that I would gladly choose any of the ingredients by themselves yet together how better they become working together to complement each other in their own unique way.
Unique as despite my best efforts of tossing them high into the sky and mixing them up in and around the bowl they still remained the same –still a piece of lettuce, tomato, pepper, onion, egg, cheese, celery, apple and nut. Yes they had a bit of seasoning and dressing but that is like a uniform that could be removed for beneath this they continued to be themselves providing the flavour and aroma they always did but now even better in so many ways.